Breaking Up With the Breath Test Machine

June 10th, 2011 by DaytonDUI Leave a reply »

Dear Ohio Breath Test Machine:

I am a human.  As such, I pride myself on my individuality.  It hurts me that you don’t care if I’m a man or a woman.  It bothers me that you don’t care what I had to eat, what my lung partition ratio is, or what my metabolic rate is.  I’m concerned about your indifference to how much I weigh or how my stomach produces too many/too little enzymes that metabolize ethanol.  You don’t seem to care what my alcohol content was at the time I was driving.   It has become obvious to me that you don’t care if I drink vodka or light beer…you can’t even tell the difference.  All you care about is what my BAC is at the time I test.  You don’t get me!

You are way too sensitive.  You have to be calibrated correctly every 7 days or you won’t work right.  You demand to have your temperature be 34 degrees EXACTLY or you don’t calibrate.  God forbid that the temperature of your calibration solution is off or you just go ka-blooy.  I can’t have my friends around you because you complain about their “radio frequency interference.”  It also become evident to me that when you are plugged into the wrong socket you change into this error machine.  Can you say High-Maintenance?

I guess the final straw is how controlling you’ve become.  I try to blow the right way but you complain that I’m not doing it right.  You always shout “INVALID SAMPLE” or “AMBIENT FAIL.”  You have so many error codes it is hard keeping up with you.  How do you think that makes me feel?  So many people tell me how much better I’d be if I were with a blood test.  My friends tell me that if you test me during the absorptive phase you overestimate my true BAC by 40 to 100%.  I’ve been consulting my scientist friends and they all agree that you are just too flawed for me.

Here’s the hard truth…I’ve met someone.  His name is Charles Rowland and he’s a DUI attorney.  He knows all about the science of a DUI and can tell me why the world works the way it does.  He has made me realize that it is right to stand up for justice and fight for what is right.  He has helped me come to the realization that I don’t have to have you in my life.  So goodbye, Ohio Breath Test Machine.  I hope that you can change enough to meet someone who won’t REFUSE you.

Charles M. Rowland II (www.DaytonDUI.com) practices DUI/OVI law (and creative blogging) in Dayton and throughout Ohio. Contact him at (937)318-1384.

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